Monday, August 5, 2013

Dramas, Detours, and Doubts

Something happened this week. 

I went to visit a friend, one I've known for 11 years. We went shopping together, ate a foreign meal together (including kimchi, for the first time - it was good, surprisingly for how it looks, not surprisingly considering how often people eat it in Korea), and managed the impossible feat of watching 20 hours of Korean drama in about 6. (Well, we skipped most of the middle - but it had the effect of making us feel as if we had just watched the entire drama City Hunter.)

We then watched a bit of another of our favorite dramas and then talked stories and life until 5am. The next morning, after a few hours of sleep and chocolate cake for breakfast (it's kind of a tradition when we get together ;) it was time to go home. But we stood in the entryway, praying together and very much not wanting to say goodbye. 

Because something was ending. Both of us felt it, and both of us knew next time we got together, something would have changed. 

I am planning on starting medical school…she is planning on going overseas for a year. We're adults. Despite spending several hours pausing the drama every few minutes to squeal over our favorite parts and not going to bed until morning and eating chocolate cake for breakfast…we are not children any more. And we will be making big decisions in the coming months and the course of our lives will change based on those decisions. 

But at last we said goodbye and I pulled out my directions to trace them backwards - I unfortunately get lost with alarming frequency - and started home. 

And ran into a detour immediately. So I followed the first sign…and there I was, with useless directions, no map, no idea of where I was, and no clue as to where my next turn would be. But I knew was that I was heading towards home…and the next turn would be clearly marked. No need to worry.

And I realized that's where my life is. I may not have directions or a map or know how I'm getting to my destination, but I know my goal is to glorify God and He will show me each step of the way. Every twist and turn, He is with me - even though I am starting into the unknown, I know the One who is preparing the path before me.

Then I missed one of the signs. 

Which meant I was still driving with useless directions, no map, no idea of where I was, and no clue as to where the last turn had been - and I had messed up so that now I was far away from where I should be. 

So I pulled over, found a map, figured out where I was...and took the next road that would get me where I wanted to go. Maybe not the most straightforward route and definitely not the shortest way home...but it would get me there.

Even though my God is infallible and His plan for me is perfect...I most certainly am not. No matter how clearly He marks my path, at some point in the coming years I will take a wrong turn, I will make a wrong decision. But if I am truly seeking Him, if I do not lose sight of my goal, He will get me there, no matter how far off the path I end up. 

Finally I reached an area I recognized and got back on the original road, detour long behind me. My computer (that had my useless directions on it) was sitting beside me, so I hit play on iTunes. The first song began to play. 
As Jesus stumbled up Calvary's hill...
He knew He was doing His Father's own will
He could have turned back, but He went on instead. 
For a world full of sinners, He suffered and bled.

Even if I am on the right path and make no wrong turns whatsoever...that does not mean at all that the path will be smooth and things will go comfortably. Sometimes Perfection is scarred and sometimes right is hard and obedience is painful. 

The thing is...I know that. And I've been dreading what's coming all summer...buying my books...buying my instruments...looking at all the things I will soon be learning...there is SO.MUCH. it scares me. As much as I know I should not be scared...I've been scared.

That evening I was talking to a woman who knows my mom, and she congratulated me on getting into medical school. And then she said something no one else has said to me. 
I remember when my husband started veterinary school. It was one of two times he has ever cried. He didn't think he could do it - it was going to be too hard. I told him of course he could do it; he was in and he was going to make it through. And of course he did. So can you.

No one ever said medical school was easy, not even the people who adore science and memorize easily. Between my dread of biochemistry and molecular biology and my struggles with memorizing pathways and work is cut out for me. For me to even reach the next turn on this path is going to take huge amounts of work. But right now this is where God has directed me. I know this is the turn I'm supposed to be taking. 

Faithful is He that calleth you, Who also will do it. The entire time I was driving I was remembering again that this is the next step that God has called me to take. Again and again I have been reminded that worry (how on earth am I going to pay for this?) and fear (I'm going to flunk out) are not just a waste of my energy, they're sins. 

It is not only wrong to worry, it is unbelief; worrying means we do not believe that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything but those details that worry us. Have you ever noticed what Jesus said would choke the Word He puts in us? Is it the devil? No— “the cares of this world” (Matthew 13:22). It is always our little worries. We say, “I will not trust when I cannot see”— and that is where unbelief begins. ~Oswald Chambers

For someone I didn't even know to stop and tell me I did not need to worry about getting through medical school...when our short conversation had gone nowhere near my apprehension about the coming year...I think I need to believe that it's going to be gloriously okay. 

Because it is. And I trust that no matter how difficult this road, no matter where the next sign is or even if I miss it entirely, my God will glorify Himself through me and bring me to the place He wants me to be. 

I think I'm finally ready for medical school. 

3 thoughts shared:

Jessica Greyson said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

So perfect, so lovely, *HUGS* God certainly has exciting things in store for you my lovely dear. *HUGS* *heart too full for words* So excited for you!!!!!

Vicki said...

Katherine, this was absolutely beautiful and I can't tell you how brave and inspirational you are. Yes, I know you don't feel it right now! But your love of God and your determination to follow His path shine through even when you're apprehensive and worried!

Dear friend, I know you're going to do well. You are truly giving glory to God through this adventure, because you are leaning on Him. I just put a note on my desktop to pray for you, and that's going to stay there as long as you need it to!! Drop me a comment anytime you need extra prayer! :-D

*Big cyberhugs*,

Katherine Sophia said...

:) And I for you as well, Jessica...*hugs back* Thank you.

And thank you, Vicki. Your comments always make my day, and I appreciate your encouragement and prayers SO MUCH. :) I'm so glad we can pray for each other! *return hugs* :D


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