Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being Real...

http://www.freefoto.com/preview/01-12-19/Horses-New-Forest
Today I went to see Rio... and rode her for something like the 8th time this year. She was good, as usual, but I felt kind of sad as I was lunging her. 

Because she wasn't better. 

Last year at this time, we were doing all the same things... she hasn't moved forward at all. In fact, last year she was just coming off a somewhat intense training period, and was that much more responsive and obedient. In this past year, all that has happened is that she has grown older - she turned 4 just 10 days ago. At this point in her life she could be doing anything I asked of her; I just haven't taken the time to ask her.


The thing is, this is exactly what has been staring me in the face for the past 2 days. This afternoon I was flipping through some old journals and it really hit me. 

I am in the exact same place as I was a year ago. 

I'm struggling with the same things, I'm trying to learn the same things, good grief, I even weigh the same! Only... looking at my journals from when I was 17, I can see when I was actually in a better place. Where I was listening to God's direction and stepping forward, even if it was by baby-steps, to do what He wanted me to do. When my time with Him was so much more real than it has been lately. When the only time I got serious was not when I wanted to write a serious blog-post. 
(This time I'm actually writing a serious blog-post because I want to be serious, not being serious because I want to write a serious blog-post. If that makes any sense at all.) 

At this point in my life I could be doing anything. There is nothing stopping me from doing anything for my God - except that I'm not walking beside Him. I'm not listening. My life, my mind, my heart, are filled with distractions, with things I spend my time on instead of spending it with Him. That is a sobering thought. Extremely so.

And I think I may finally have slowed down enough to stop and look at where I am. I don't like it. It's not who He has called me to be. It's now how I want to be the rest of my life.


But do you know what?


Someone gave me a graduation card this weekend - that they had been wanting to give me for the past year. Inside was written one of my absolute favorite verses, Philippians 1:6 - 
 Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.

Then someone sent me this verse last night right when I was going to bed, not very happy with myself. I worked on memorizing it all day today. 1 Corinthians 15:10 -
But by the grace of God I am what I am: and His grace which was bestowed on me was not in vain

And just a few days ago I first heard a song that I'm currently listening to on repeat like a broken record.

Grace - Laura Story
 My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done.
And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me
And hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

[Chorus:]
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,
When I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
How far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,
Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.
For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

[Chorus:]
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,
When I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
How far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means.
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary.
So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You
By giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

[Chorus:]
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,
When I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
How far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

That first verse could not describe me better... but He loves me. He does not bestow His grace in vain. I am His, and He will not let me go. He is so patient with me... 
and as another one of my favorite verses, Psalm 138:8, says, 
The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: Thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever:

and then continues with my prayer:
forsake not the works of thine own hands. 
 
To which He has already replied, saying in Deuteronomy 31:6 - 
 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid... for the Lord thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.


I'm ready move forward. I want to go deeper, to go 'farther up and further in!' simply in knowing my Lord. I want to grow into the person He wants me to be.

Hope is a beautiful thing... and it is mine because I know God is gracious, and I know He loves me, though I never have and never will deserve that perfect love. I can begin to grow again, because I can do all things through the One who strengthens me. For He it is that doth go with me... who will perfect that which concerneth me... who will continue to perform the work He began until the end... because His grace was not bestowed upon me in vain. 


And know what? I rode Rio bareback for the first time tonight. 

Things are beginning to change. 

5 thoughts shared:

Jessica said...

Amen and amen Kate, this is soooooo encouraging! I know you can do it! With God all things are possible! Thank you for sharing!!!

Erika said...

Katherine Sophia, your words spoke deeply to me. Life is full of distractions, yet there is one thing needful. Only through abiding in Him can we discover the depths of who He is. Do we count all things as loss for the excellency of intimate knowing of Jesus Christ?
There will be times in our lives that we realize that we are not keeping our eyes on Him as we should. But though we fall, we will not be cast down - for our LORD upholds us in His hand. Instead of wallowing in the dust lamenting our failures and what we have lost, let us get back up, fix our eyes upon Him, and keep pressing towards the mark. He wants to teach us more of Himself even through our struggles and failures.
He has you right where He wants you. Simply rest in Him continually. It is God who works in you to will and to do of His good pleasure - He will perform His good work in you. Listen to Him each moment and abide in His word each hour.
Together, let us fix our eyes upon Him and allow Him to draw us nearer, still nearer to Himself - for eternity! Further up and further in!

Vicki said...

Thank you so much for this post, Katherine Sophia. I have felt this way a lot lately, too, and I can't tell you how much these verses helped me. Thank you very much for sharing this post.

Love in Christ,
Vicki

Gray said...

Hey! I linked to this post here! Thank you so much!

http://locketkeeper.blogspot.com/2011/05/katherine-sophia-being-real.html

Katherine Sophia said...

Thank you, Jessica! You are always so helpful, no matter what I'm going through or doing or not doing, and your e-mails have been such a blessing!!! :)

Thank you for your encouraging words, Erika. I loved what you said... and how full of God's word your comment was. He is so faithful, and thank you for always pointing to Him.

I am so glad the verses helped you, too, Vicki! Some posts I just have to write... and then when people comment I find out why. :)

Thank you, Gray! Again, reasons I had to write this all out... :)

and thank you all for letting me know that I am not the only one to have reached this point. :) And now...

Nearer, still nearer, nothing I bring,
Naught as an offering to Jesus, my King;
Only my sinful, now contrite heart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.
Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last.
Till safe in glory my anchor is cast;
Through endless ages ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee!
- Leila Morris

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