Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'mb Sick!







Ok, it's not that bad. :)


But, coughing, stuffy, tired, crabby... I ignored it for a while, but when it drags on and on, it's hard to pretend nothing is wrong. I hate being sick with a passion, and  I've been sick for about two weeks, and getting royally tired of it. :P


So today I started wondering if there was any kind of spiritual parallel to the common cold. And of course, thought of something right away. :)


There have been several times in my life when I have caught a spiritual "cold" - where for weeks unhappiness would cling to me, and I would be dogged by unrelenting thoughts that seemed determined to make me miserable while following Christ. I wasn't deathly "sick" - I don't think I've ever been flat-out depressed, and I doubt anyone around me could even tell that something was wrong, except for what I told them. But people have died from colds that turned into something else, and there were times when I was very afraid. I thought it would never end, but, like a cold, I would wake up one day and realize I was better. Each time it happened, though, it was worse. 


The last time it happened was several years ago, and it was probably one of the worst times of my life. The thought kept coming to me that I did not truly believe in God. Knowing it was not my thought, but an invention of the enemy that wants to destroy me, I ignored it and answered, Of course I do. I've been saved for ten years. But the how do you know? kept coming back, and I had no reply. How did I know? What proof did I have? Every answer I tried did not work, and I was lost. Over and over I told myself that my feelings did not "affect God's facts" - these were things I simply knew and believed beyond a shadow of a doubt - but my feelings were certainly affecting what I was thinking. How much of what I believed was simply because my parents said so? How much did I truly know for myself? On and on... Even when I refused to agree that I did not believe in God - I knew I did - the lack of answers I had frightened me. I figured I would simply wait it out, as I had before, and eventually I wouldn't worry about it anymore. 


Which ended up being more or less what I did. (He that endureth to the end...) This time, though, it was a little different. For the first time I realized how very weak my faith was, and how utterly, absolutely, incredibly helpless I was without God. I actually saw that, without His saving me and keeping me, there was no hope for me. I think before there had always been a little bit of "I chose Him" in my heart, but then the awesomeness of that "He first loved us" overwhelmed me. I do believe we have a responsibility to turn to Him - but He made us, He loved us, He died for us, He calls us, He draws us, He saves us, He keeps us. The one instant where I did stopped struggling against the overpowering current of His love and asked Him to save me, compared all that He has done... There is no comparison. There is nothing I have ever done or ever could do that would save me. 


After I completely threw myself upon Him, realizing that without His mercy I did not even have the ability to believe in the reality of an obvious Creator God and His historically known Son, and was completely dependent on Him, it began to get better. And I determined more than ever that I wanted to Know Him - to know Him and be more sure of His existence than I was of my own. To see His hand at work all around me. To be living and breathing abiding in Him.




Why am I telling you all this? Because since that time I have learned the truth of "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man." I asked God why He would allow me to be bothered by such stupidity and silliness as my thoughts and feelings dragged me into - and then someone came to me, asking for prayer, and I knew instantly what they were talking about. I could say, "I've been there. Here is what helped me." And I was so glad that I had been there before them, that they did not have to think themselves alone, as I had. 


It's hard to explain to someone whose personality would never be affected like that... Much of it, I think, was from not seeing rightly who God is - the more I learn of Him and about Him, the less the devil can tell me lies about Him. The reason I felt so miserable was because there was not really anyone that I dared talk to about it who understood - since, after all, it was more of a wrestling with my feelings than anything else. And since those around me did not understand... something had to be seriously wrong with me. 


I do not think I will ever forget the day I sat with about fourteen other girls, all of whom had been raised in Christian homes and gone to church their entire lives, and listened as they went around the circle, giving their salvation testimonies. Almost every one of them telling how they had gotten saved at a young age and then gone through a time of doubt and questioning their salvation as they entered their teens - and how they were afraid to tell anyone else, because they thought no one would understand and everyone would think them absolutely terrible. Seeing all these girls, many of whom had know each other for years and years, and realizing that they all went through something at least somewhat similar to what I had, and that they had all been afraid to let others know really opened my eyes. Had I been more open with my struggles and tried to explain them better, perhaps those "colds" would not have lasted as long as they did. Don't be afraid to tell people what you are going through. Someone else has had the same experience, and does understand, even if those around you right now do not seem to. Satan's biggest goal is to separate us, from others and from God. Stay connected.




So there, a simile that morphed into a testimony and then into a wandering explanation of several different points and ended up as a very open (for me) :) post... hopefully some of which will make sense to you. :) 






Seeking Him, that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings... 

4 thoughts shared:

Josh Healy said...

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Katherine Sophia said...

I will definitely check it out. Thanks!

Jessica said...

Wow. I love how you take the simplest things and turn them into deep thoughts. You brought back some good memories from my own life, striving through my own storm and finding the promised rainbow still wonderful and true on the other side. Isn't God good?

Love ya Kate!

Jessica

Katherine Sophia said...

They're looong thoughts anyway... ;) but YES HE IS!!!!!

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