Sunday, February 1, 2009

“The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.”
— Jonathon Swift

Speaking of flying...

P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick.
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up.
S: Company accountant deplaned.

P: Funny smell in cockpit.
S: Pilot told to change cologne.

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight.
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane.

P: Brakes howl on application.
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak.
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore.

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