Monday, August 28, 2017

grace check






So, I was praying for something the other day...something I needed Divine help in order to accomplish...and while praying I heard myself say, 

I don't deserve Your help with this, but...

and I went...???Wait, what???

When do I "deserve" His help? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my brain likes to head down two different paths.

I'm in medical school because God pretty much highlighted and opened every door for me.
He really should smooth the way for me now.


I am taking a test but I really didn't study for it like I should have.
He should probably let me fail like I deserve.


I quickly reminded myself that I'd always heard grace defined as undeserved favor - by definition I didn't deserve His divine favor, ever. The question remained, do we, at certain points, deserve His favor less? Logic said if I was doing something wrong I must deserve it less...but the corollary seemed to be then that if I was doing something right, I deserved it more. Which would make it not grace.

Having thoroughly turned my tired brain around, I went to look up what the Bible had to say about grace. 


Romans 5:15 - But not as the offence, so also is the free gift. For if through the offence of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many.

the free gift: charisma - derived from charis, grace, indicating the result of grace. A gift of grace, an undeserved benefit from God.

grace of God: charis - from chairo (to rejoice) or chara (joy, favor, acceptance, kindness granted or desired, benefit, thanks, gratitude, grace). A favor done without expectation of return; absolute freeness of the loving-kindness of God to men, finding its only motive in the bounty and freeheartedness of the Giver; unearned and unmerited favor. 

What then does this free gift, available to all, abounding unto many, do?

Takes us out of sin's power.
Romans 6:14 - For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.

Saves us.
Ephesians 2:8-9 - For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.


Allows His power to rest upon us and allows us to do and endure whatever He has called us to.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

His grace was the thing I was asking for...I did not deserve it...but because it is a gift centered in the lovingkindness of a Bountiful Giver, not in my {often faulty} judgement of my worthiness or lack thereof, I could still ask for it. My question really boiled down to, how dare I come before Him and request His assistance with my daily problems? Which of course led back to a misconception of Who He is and who I am. The verse that came to mind as I thought about this?

Luke 12:32 - It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

Which ties into:


Romans 8:32 - He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
Matthew 7:11 - ...how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Which also got me thinking about how each piece of the Lord's Prayer is asking for a form of grace, whether asking for our daily needs, our deliverance from temptation, or that His kingdom would come and the implications of that request. Jesus told us to ask for things. It is our Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom...and seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. 

Ask. Ask the Giver to give. Ask Him for His grace, and, like Paul did at the beginning or the end of nearly every letter he wrote, ask that grace for those around you.



John 16:24 - Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full. 



*all verses from the Hebrew Greek Key Study Bible, KJV, with Strong's Dictionary & Concordance


Monday, August 21, 2017

Summer Snippets of Drama and Trauma


Like my neat combining of July and August into 1 post? XD That way, you see, I can post July snippets in August.  ;)

These few are all from Rebel Queen, my current WIP and the sequel to Contract to Time Travel, my dear dystopian/sci-fi/fantasy/time-travel story.
(i.e. there MIGHT be spoilers for CTTT here. You've been warned. XD)





Echo's lips parted in pure shock, but the blood itself drained from Rui's face, and the shattering of his very center showed clear, as every carefully placed mask he had ever managed to create broke at once, leaving upon his face the look of one who saw Death made manifest. Rui, who had faced death itself a hundred times at her side and never flinched.



His gaze swept the room. “I will swear upon anything you wish, give to you any proof I am able—though I was more surely Amon’s than any of you, and though I stand guilty of all you would accuse me of and far else, I am yet more deeply the God’s who has claimed me, and I have not played you false."
In the silence that followed, Echo took a breath, allowing herself to rest a moment in the power and the aching truth in his voice. Perhaps she was a fool, to trust a voice that so easily commanded—she, who had lived two and a half years with chimeras and knew their subtle charm—but though she lived a thousand years, she could not forget [___] sacrificing himself, and on that moment she would have staked far more than this. 



Minato ground his teeth as he bowed his head, and kept his voice carefully neutral as he spoke. “I am back.”
Her prayer ceased abruptly as she turned to look at him, her gorgeous face pale in the liros light. A moment she stared at him, and then the words slipped from her as if in answer to something she saw upon his face. “Eleven months. Eleven months and we are still alive, Min.”
He settled the rage more carefully inside himself, and bowed deeply to her. “May you be blessed with sleep,” he said aloud, and headed to his room.
I would rather be dead.



Echo closed her eyes, feeling the heat of the sun against her skin. She thought unaccountably of Ja-Il and shut her eyes more tightly, lest the missing of his fire burn more deeply than she could bear. 
Phoenix would not understand those tears.



“Look at me,” he said, and so she did.
He was not as she had expected.
Black nails, suma-lined eyes, irises so dark they were almost black themselves. Pale skin, appearing even paler beneath black hair.
He was younger than she had imagined.
Far more human.
Far more terrifying.


Monday, August 7, 2017


So I happened to see one of my undergrad schedules. I posted it on here several years ago. :D

So that was totally one of my easier semesters, and I found myself plenty busy with it. (I was writing a novel that semester...)


But here's one of my extreme easy weeks in med school, to compare:



Residency? Here's this month's schedule, color-coded to hide my colleagues' names. XD

Times? Oh, 5-6am until somewhere between 10-16 hours later...(We can by law be on call for up to 28 hours at a time, but are limited to 80 hours per week, averaged over the month. My program has chosen to so far keep us to 13 hours straight, plus whatever is required on each end to finish our work for the day. As senior residents...28 hours will be happening.)  

So if I'm absent this month and next...you can guess why. XD


Monday, July 31, 2017

Cake Flavored Tag


Having seen this tag stolen and modified multiple places in the blogosphere (though I saw it here first...), I couldn't help but do the same. Only I'm going to add to the modifications by using foreign TV dramas, instead of books. Which most of you will never have heard of before. But...if I had not seen a few blog posts myself, I'd never have heard of them either. So. XD I mean, I had to read the subtitles, so surely it counts as reading.

If this be treason, make the most of it.



CHOCOLATE CAKE
(a dark story you loved)
The Bridal Mask. 
This is a WWII era Korean drama about the Japanese Occupation. Dark barely covers it. By the time family members have destroyed each other, best friends have become bitter enemies, school girls have been shipped off as comfort women, people have ended up torturing their beloveds, and freedom fighters have been practically annihilated...you might have to rethink chocolate being sweet. 
But as a story about redemption, about inspiration, about refusing to give up the fight for truth and freedom, about how one person can inspire others, about how no matter how far one has fallen they can become a new person...this story is incredible. 
Note to all: chocolate cake is the best.
And I dare you to watch this clip and not be moved.


VANILLA CAKE
(a light story)

Descendents of the Sun.
Yes, if this is my "light" show, what are the others like...but seriously. This drama gave me the happiest feelings. As a story basically about the romance between a doctor and a soldier, one whose job is to save lives and one whose job is take them (even if in order to protect other lives...), it was a fascinating look at creeds and justifications and motivations, while being an adorable romance set in the middle of dozens of horrible moments of natural and political destruction. And the MC, Shi-jin, is basically the equivalent of taking all my favorite heroes and combining them into one incredibly sweet smart-alec. It was an absolute delight to watch. 
I don't go much for vanilla cake...but DotS fits the description while still being amazing. 


RED VELVET
(mixed emotions)
Two Weeks.
This is one of those incredible redemption stories that I adored but that which is slightly harder to recommend to everyone indiscriminately. Basically, the MC made a terrible choice in attempting to protect someone he loved, and his life was destroyed. When the story starts, he is in a very bad place, and the story doesn't shy away from the depths to which he has sunk. When his ex-girlfriend finds him and tells him that she actually had the baby he demanded she abort, and that baby is now a young girl dying of leukemia who needs him donate stem cells...his life takes a different turn. Watching him fight step by step to believe that he can change, that he can become the person those he loves need so desperately, and come to a full understanding of what exactly he has done in the past...it's incredible. {There is a scene where he ends up helping a stranger deliver her baby, and the moment it truly hits him what he almost forced his girlfriend to do and that he might never have met his daughter if his girlfriend had followed through...gah.}
I...actually don't have mixed emotions on red velvet...it's like somebody took chocolate cake and filled it with red 40. WHY????

CHEESECAKE
(recommend to anyone)
City Hunter.
I do recommend this to anyone. XD It's a story of brotherhood, of fathers and sons, of guilt and love and lies and truth and justice and revenge, and it's completely awesome. It's like The Scarlet Pimpernel crossed with The Count of Monte Christo and it's amazing. While at the same time being cleaner than like 98% of American television. People should just watch it and be introduced to another culture. 
This drama is way better than cheesecake. Just sayin'. And I do like cheesecake.




COFFEE CAKE
(started but never finished)
Goodbye, Mr. Black.
This was supposedly meant to be a Korean remake of The Count of Monte Christo. It had three extremely talented main actors, and obviously brilliant source material. 
And it was boring. I saw three episodes and couldn't force myself to watch more. It is an absolute travesty that anyone would dare to have an incredible story and the people to do it amazing justice, and then...do that. Still not over it. 
I do usually finish coffee cake, to be fair to coffee cake. It's very not memorable, however, and therefore surprisingly accurate here. 

TIRAMISU
(left you wanting more)

Solomon's Perjury.

I have seen the first of two Japanese movies, and then the Korean series, and again, a story about teen suicide, adult betrayal, and the pain of growing up to recognize the two-faced life of those one idolized as a child is not a light thing. But unlike what I've heard about, say, 13 Reasons Why, no matter how dark the subject matter, this story managed to hold to the fight for light, for truth, for love and righteousness both in a beautiful way. In fact, it came so incredibly close to being perfect, I couldn't help but wish for more. A bigger budget, a few more episodes to help with depth, the actors to have just a bit more training, and the truth the story reached to cross the line into clearly spiritual.
Okay, but really, why would someone want more tiramisu? I've had it exactly once in my life, and that was plenty.

CUPCAKES
(a mini series)
Page Turner.

This is a short and sweet three hour series about a young musician, her most bitter musical rival, and an athlete who saves her life when tragedy strikes them both. It is about dreams and skill and what you do when they are taken away from you, and for as short as it was, it was a delightful story with surprising depth. 
Chocolate cupcakes are best, but I suppose these would be vanilla cupcakes. XD  





FRUITCAKE
(not what you expected)
Ruler: Master of the Mask.

 I expected something incredible from a historical drama starring two of the best young actors/actresses in Korea set in a story where they could use historical gravitas mixed with dramatic license and shades of The Man in the Iron Mask...but so far the only acting skill they've been utilizing is that of crying on command, which is well enough in short doses, but which does not an intense drama make. Here's to hoping it later surprises me, because the world did not need a historical Goodbye, Mr. Black.
I feel about fruitcake rather how I feel about this drama. What is this? WHY is is THIS WAY? 


STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
(favorite short story)

Dong Ju: Portrait of a Poet.
Epic, gorgeous, incredible movie about Yun Dong Ju, a Korean poet who died in a Japanese concentration camp for being involved with the Korean Independence Movement/writing poetry that the Japanese wanted to believe had to do with Independence. Brilliant use of poems, of black and white imagery, of music, of everything...oh, it hurts, but it is truly beautiful. Korean movies can be more on the miss side of hit-and-miss for me, but this was most definitely a hit. Just to the left of my sternum.



Monday, July 24, 2017

to name something is to own it -- Part II

~ Thomas L. Friedman

I already ran through a bunch of character names in the last post...but this time I'm curious about Book Titles. 

I began noticing titles differently when I started watching Korean dramas, whose translated titles range from straightforward (Dr. Frost - about someone named Dr. Frost) to confusing (Missing Noir M - a crime procedural drama) to simply ridiculous (Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo - a historical drama that does involve the moon and a whole lot of scarlet, but still...). One of my favorite titles is Time Between Dog and Wolf - as a drama about identity, the ability to see clearly, how to know those around you, and who is on your side, the title fit perfectly, as well sounding awesome and coming from L'heure entre chien et loup, a French saying about the difficulty of distinguishing dog from wolf at dusk, and referring to knowing friend vs foe. Seeing the odd ones (To the Beautiful You...7th Grade Civil Servant...Who Are You: School 2015...High Kick! The Revenge of the Short Legged) definitely made me look at titles in a whole new way.

One of my earliest novels was titled The Jeweled Dagger {Biblical Fiction}, and, as makes sense, prominently featured a jeweled dagger. Given that the MC was a horrifically scarred slave girl, I'm sure I could up with some more metaphysical meanings to the title...

My faith, hope, & love trilogy worked out decently enough to include Hope Sprang Up (I'm somewhere in the middle of a re-write that makes me happy), And it was Love (I'm less pleased with both title and story, but I think there's enough there that a good rewrite might find something worthwhile...XD),  and Faith Through Flames (partially written...it is the lynchpin and keystone to the trilogy, so I should probably get writing that...). The entire trilogy came from Hope Sprang Up, which title came from the story's heart.

Haunted came from an Emily Dickenson poem that says:
One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. 
As a story about personal demons and how pasts affect presents, it seemed fitting. 

Imperfecta actually came from osteogenesis imperfecta, otherwise known as brittle bone disease. I did not use that disease in the story, but did use several others, along with an entire theme of the beauty of humanity as creations of God, right along with how we have corrupted that beauty and the pain of facing the ugliness, and of feeling utterly imperfect. 

Rule the Whirlwind, that Hebraic/English mix of Chaos's story that is something of alternative history, came straight from Hosea 8:7, “For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.” Certain characters are very willing to sow the wind...but they believe that they can rule instead of reap, and the title very perfectly encapsulates their identity and their personality and their goals.

The title of The Sons of Bretton Meyrick (remember that one? XD) was inspired by this song, which is funny when one is from an old Western involving Johnny Cash/John Wayne, and the other is a modern YA involving drugs and crime and a murder mystery...but both are about 4 brothers, and the feel of the song reminds me of certain of the brother's POV.

Inside My Mind, the futuristic sci-fi story inspired by The Phantom of the Opera comes from the particular line from the musical that inspired the entire story.

Cat's Got my Tongue, the futuristic sci-fi story inspired by The Little Mermaid, comes from the mermaid's inability to speak while referencing the feel of my particular retelling. 

The Medusa Maze, the futuristic sci-fi story inspired by, surprise, surprise, the story of Medusa, is kind of obvious, but fits my computer hacker MC quite well. I should maybe try blending it with the story of the Minotaur...oooh...

Contract to Time Travel came from the thing that started the story--Ellian Roya signing a contract to travel time in order to protect his story. Oh, the consequences of that decision...XD

Rebel Queen, CTTT's sequel, switches between Rebel Queen and Queen of Time with some regularity. The story hasn't decided what should be the main theme yet. Understandable, considering I added like 3 new POVs just last week. *AHEM*


This Present Time, the third book in my Time Travel series, was originally titled, Where Past and Future Meet. That was a bit bulky, though...and where past and future meet is obviously right now, in the present. Plus, considering the book's subject matter, Romans 8:18 seemed right on. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. {Eheheheheh...yes, I'm looking at you, people who have read the first book...XD}



Where do you get your book titles?
Thoughts on my titles? 
Do titles make you want to read particular books or do they not make much difference? What titles have caught your attention and did those stories match up to their titles?  

Monday, July 17, 2017

Why I am Not a Quivering Daughter


If you haven't figured it out, I was raised conservatively.
ATI, Vision Forum, small Baptist churches, and big homeschool families were all a part of my childhood.

Since then I've seen many "coming-outs" -- mostly women telling stories of the trauma inflicted in their childhood by one or all of the above things -- and it got me thinking.* I have also seen many of my fellow homeschool graduates grow up and systematically do the opposite of everything their parents did, not because of a horrific back-story but nevertheless making a definite statement about how they feel about their upbringing. Despite what you might suspect from the title of this blog post, I'm not here to say HOMESCHOOLING IS THE BEST or to defend or argue certain things. Rather, I want to explain what I've seen that drives people from their background {and many times from Christianity itself}, and why I'm not running, despite what I've seen of these things.

my favorite place in this town...and a place that reminds me of my childhood

*I should probably pause here to say that I/my family personally know several people who say these things, and some of them I believe {because I was there or close during their younger years and what happened is either obvious or clearly hangs together} and some of them I do not believe {because I was there or close during their younger years and their story does not match up with what I know of their life/church/family and, more importantly, does not match up with itself in multiple places}. For those who I do not know, I would similarly never dream of saying their story is not true unless they are caught in a lie in multiple places {the story of Razing Ruth is possibly an example}. 

Starting with...my mom was never afraid of calling the Emporer naked. When the Duggar scandal happened, I was not shocked...we'd seen and discussed an episode once and thought it unwise of any family to so set themselves up for a fall, and while it hurt watching sometimes-verified accusations nearly destroy my own church and then in about one year's time crash through ATI, Vision Forum, and a "high-profile" family like the Duggars, it did not horrify me.

We'd always been taught that putting people on pedestals was asking for disappointment and disillusionment, and searching for truth was far more important. We bought things from Vision Forum -- because who doesn't find dress-up fun? -- and were immediately displeased by their shoddy workmanship. You don't end up respecting people too much when you buy their [very expensive] stuff and it looks terrible when you open it up or falls apart when you first use it. My grandpa {a fairly conservative Christian introduced to homeschooling through our family and then several families at his church} saw some of Vision Forum's teachings and very bluntly called it as he saw it --a business taking advantage of poor families with very expensive teachings that shouldn't have to be bought, i.e. wrong. We got through 3 Elsie Dinsmore books before my mom said This is so stupid and the characters do not make sense. We started going through Wisdom Books and there was the whole "Do the curriculum this way or it will not work" and my mom was like...for dumb. We'll do the parts we want and take what we find interesting out of it. She mentioned to some friends that the teaching we got from ATI was fascinating and could be gotten nowhere else, and those friends said EXACTLY. You can't find that stuff anywhere else, which gave us all another reminder to not embrace it too fully. We went to several Basic Seminars, but when my mom heard about people being sent to work at Headquarters she nearly laughed. Why would she send her children to go work for strangers for free? The idea was ridiculous.

Was I hurt by some of those things? Yes, because for a while I actually believed that the Civil War was completely over States' Rights and slavery was barely part of it...{thankfully my family's focus on going to the source led to reading quite a few original documents and a better understanding of history.} Yes, because I poured over Character Sketches like they were the Bible, and it took me a whole lot of Bible reading later in life to realize that the Bible was misrepresented in quite a few places, and my understanding of several stories had been entirely skewed. Yes, because my understanding of the world was being formed and some things that went over my mom's head stuck in mine and later had to be dealt with, unfortunately. Yes, because I desperately wanted to pretend we had the perfect type of Christian family that was held up before us all the time and I knew we didn't. {And saw repeatedly that being open about hurts, pasts, and realities made other Christians distance themselves from whoever was dumb enough to be vulnerable.} And Yes, because for a while I resented my dad for not being the archetypal VF/ATI father with a home business I could help out with and that he did not have the leadership qualities so praised by so many around me. The fact that he wasn't the type was another protective factor, however, because even though many of his goals created their own set of issues, the fact that he insisted we all attend college and encouraged me to be a doctor {when the "acceptable" after-high-school-paths  for girls around me appeared to be limited to photography, teaching, music, or nursing, despite an incredible lack of any Biblical support for that view} was obviously key.

Also, a huge factor was that we were not raised with the Forbidden Other as a mysterious marvel. Yes, we had restrictions on the books we read, the movies we watched, and the music we listened to, far more than most people we knew -- restrictions which were explained and which loosened as we grew older. I was raised on a steady diet of classical music, hymns, old novels, and an occasional black and white movie -- I never remember feeling deprived that I couldn't watch something my friends were watching. {Except maybe Phantom of the Opera, because my cousin raved about it and because it introduced me to a new type of music. XD Given the movie is a lousy adaptation of that music, I clearly didn't miss much.} We played sports and knew people who weren't homeschooled and got [carefully vetted] jobs in high school -- I saw enough of public school to know early on that I wouldn't enjoy it, and easily saw the problems inherent there. Which isn't to say there weren't issues -- when one of my younger siblings began taking more and more classes at the local high school, my mom was the one to say "I feel like we always hear horrifying stories about trying to work with schools, but these high school counselors are pro-homeschooling and amazing to work with." She definitely felt the one-sidedness of the message we had been receiving. The fact that she clearly didn't listen to it explains a lot. XD That, plus the fact that my dad is rarely convinced of anything with which he doesn't already agree. And of course, my own silent attitude, which led me to refuse to wear a white blouse and blue skirt for years, lest I be mistaken for following ATI dress-code {the whole matching group thing creeped me out just a little as a child}.

There were quite a few years where I felt absolutely rejected by many in the community in which I was raised. In college, nobody understood where I was coming from or why my life and life goals seemed so foreign, while going back home to baby showers and high school graduation parties led to a whole other set of subtle snubs and dislike of me as someone "clearly" stepping outside the bounds of female order and God's will.
These were from outside my family, however, and I was dead-sure that God was calling me to what I was doing -- the rest hurt, but couldn't affect me that much. Rather, it made me search the Scriptures more and become far more wary of ever again putting God in a box.

Basically, my parents did it right, and things that have been blamed for giving a completely warped view of God and His will managed to mostly slide past me.

What good did I get from these things, though? Would I use them in teaching my own children?

I think to start -- I adore homeschooling. I fully understand that there are times and places that it is impossible...but that was why public school was originally invented. {Although, honestly, at this point, I'd think that finding another homeschool family able to teach your children would be better than public school. My grandpa worked in education for years. Both my parents went to public school. I and my siblings have all interacted with the public school system in some way. It's a lousy way to learn for soooo many children.} I loved being home with my family, I have awesome memories of adventures with my siblings, I had opportunities to train horses, to fly airplanes, to work with incredible ski instructors, to make a house-cleaning business in high school, and to read and create and do a million things I never could have done if I had been forced through the ridiculousness of the public school system. I took an AP chemistry class in 11th grade, and while I learned what I needed to and very much enjoyed my teacher {who happened to be a great guy with 7 kids who wrote me an awesome recommendation letter for college}, having to GO TO CLASS EVERY DAY AT THE SAME TIME was torture. XD {The worst of my homeschooling: it prepared me for an alternative lifestyle of not one of being told what to do all the time.} Of course, my view of homeschooling is the end result of educated parents, and an incredibly skilled mother wholly dedicated to us learning everything we could. Yes, in our homeschool, some mornings we did nothing but read the Bible {which actually teaches you a million things, despite what some claim}...and as years went on some of us got through calculus and some of us struggled with algebra...some of us were reading by age 5 and some of us read slowly even in high school...but all of us were easily on track where we should be nationally...and none of us struggled with transitioning to "normal" classrooms when the time came to be a little more in the world without being of it.

Not VF approved, clearly...

 
I always enjoyed reading through Vision Forum catalogs, looking for books recommendations and costume ideas...I read a ton of Henty books and fell in love with To Have and to Hold {though my ancient copy was definitely not from Vision Forum...}. ATI's focus on character was not a bad thing -- learning character qualities and practicing Wisdom Searches wasn't the end goal it was sometimes treated as, but it was a useful stepping stone. The people who I watched treat it as a stepping stone were the ones who benefited, while those who viewed it as The Way were the ones who got burned. {We only have One Way to follow, and He does not require a stack of workbooks or a chart of rules to follow.}
Would I use ATI materials in home schooling my hypothetical children? Probably not. I think I can take the good I learned from them and apply the good without making my hypothetical children sift through the bad. Which is exactly what my parents tried to do. Will I miss something that will end up negatively affect my hypothetical children in whatever I do choose to use in raising them? I am sure I will, because I am human.

Everyone goes through a growing-up time. {Called growing up.} They adjust what they believe and what they grew up with and how they want to order their future life. I've seen it on both sides of the conservative/liberal spectrum, and found it fascinating how that adjustment plays out.

For every homeschool/conservative upbringing horror story, there are an equivalent number of horror stories from public school/liberal upbringings. {So far, in college/medical school, I have seen multiple instances of absolutely horrendous childhoods, all of which so far have been incredibly worse than the bad childhoods I have since recognized among my homeschooled friends.}
I think the reason people react so violently to ATI/etc in blaming their upbringing is that they can link it to a "movement" or a lifestyle...when something is mainstream {like public school} it's a lot easier to link it to one bad teacher, a terrible school, or a completely dysfunctional parent, rather than to GOTHARDISM as a whole, something that corrupted their parents and destroyed them.

I do not want to minimize the pain that verbal abuse, that a false view of God, that an attitude of constant judgment or a surrounding micro-culture of condemnation will bring to a child, or how that will continue to affect a person's life throughout their entire adulthood. I can't. This is absolutely devastating. I've seen it and I've seen the effects. It destroys. There is little worse than insisting you have light and instead pouring darkness into someone vulnerable. I cannot fault vitriolic backlash when it comes because a person has held themselves up and pretended they are wholly right and stand with God beside them when they are not actually following Him. Do not dare to give God the lie and hurt His children. It has been done, is being done, and it must be condemned. 

But I also have to say that when I am standing over a child's bed in the PICU, watching the machine that is keeping them breathing following their drug overdose, hearing from their weeping parent how this child followed their own footsteps since they went to jail and how the child has been doing meth since barely old enough to read and that this overdose is following a sexual assault two days ago...I see the other kind of damage. I know what my parents wanted to protect me from and I know why I am standing beside that bed and not lying on it. 

As the children of an experiment, we do need to give grace to our parents, to recognize that they were trying something counter-cultural, and to value the good they gave us and what they sacrificed to do so. And, if your parents "did it right" and you got only the good in your past...you have that much more to give. I hope you can recognize others may not have had your experience and not give them more rejection or deny their experience. If your parents didn't and you got only the bad...I hope you can separate it from the truth and find how to change where you are at and meet people who truly walk the talk you may have heard but never seen and who can personify love for you. (And I mean that in the most serious I-hate-what-has-been-done-to-you-and-am-terrified-lest-you-read-what-I-have-written-here-as-condemnation-of-you sense.)

Everyone's parents make mistakes...some of which are far harder for children to deal with than others...and yes, some parents, including those who call themselves Christians, make other than mistakes and willfully damage the souls in their care. Speaking from another angle, one not associated with homeschooling or Christianity, though very much associated with my life, we can all find the pain in our past. We can all blame people for who we are, we can all find an excuse for our personalities, our situations, our issues. 

But that's the thing. They are our lives. I am not going to reject everything in my past over certain pieces. I am not going to blame certain people for who I am {well, maybe I will, but I will also move on and work to change who I am ;) }. This is not their life; it is mine. It is Christ's. 

I am not a quivering daughter because there were people in my life who followed Christ more than man; I am also not a quivering daughter because I am a child of the Healer and He defines me, not any pain of my past.
There is so much damage in the world, so many broken and hurting...we can all focus on our own wounds or we can find someone more wounded and seek to strengthen them and find ourselves strengthened in turn. 


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